Why I’m Angry at Bipolar Disorder!

I’m angry at bipolar disorder as for the past week; I have been having mixed episodes; I nearly took myself off to hospital it was getting so bad. Out of the blue, it suddenly began, and I now have to review it to find out what triggered it.

I’m angry because I thought I was doing well, but my mood began to drop and then came in the racing thoughts; I even caught myself gurning at one point, I could have entered a competition for it. However, I have managed to get out of it thankfully with a combination of tactics, but it was a close call between complete mental breakdown or hospital.

I liken it to being trapped in a washing machine where everything is spinning, yet you can’t move because you are stuck in a small cylinder. It truly is horrible. I’m angry because just as quickly as it came on, it has moved on, and I can write again, absorb information, and not feel depressed anymore or hypo either. Admittedly, I should be sleeping, but my inactivity the last few days has left me with energy, and I want to share this with you.

What Was My Trigger?

i'm angry at bipolar disorder, woman sat at her desk rubbing the bridge of her nose in stress

I think it is one of two things or a combination of them both. I have been working hard on this website and was doing three posts a day, which I can manage but not with depression, so I believe the stress of getting articles written to my self-imposed deadline had an effect.

I also have been having problems with sleep for nearly a year now; my sleep pattern has been erratic; thankfully, I discovered Melatonin at the beginning of the year, which helps me get to sleep. But, sometimes I don’t take it if I am wide awake as all I will do is lie in bed, drop off and then wake up again. It works to help me get to sleep when I am likely to fall asleep; the longer I use it, the better I get at assessing when it will work for me. It has been a life-saver over the last few months. It used to be sleep one night, awake the next, but since Melatonin, it’s sleep for two and awake one.

So these two things could have been the trigger for my mixed episode. I think it is more likely to be the first as I have been suffering the sleep thing for nearly a year, and I haven’t felt that bad all year, just the occasional daily blip or depression, not a mixed period for so long.

How Did I Get Out of the Mixed Episode?

orange flower in the middle of green to signify bipolar disorder

As you can imagine, I was in absolute disbelief about my situation, hence why I am so angry at bipolar, because it is not fair. You do everything right, and it still gets you when you least expect it, but I believe it was a build-up of cortisol, the stress hormone, in my system.

I was already on an anti-depressant, Sertraline and an antipsychotic, Aripiprazole, but these were not helping. So I tried my usual routine of aromatherapy, which was challenging work, as I didn’t have the energy. It usually works when I have depression and anxiety, but this time it did not help.

I then took a Vitamin D capsule and an iron tablet, just because I thought it couldn’t do any harm and somehow it might help me.

By now, my gurning had increased; if you are not sure what gurning is, it’s pulling faces, but in my case, not on purpose. I sat on the sofa and contemplated my situation. Should I take myself off to the hospital? I decided I would try two more things, and if they didn’t work, I would.

I reached for my calming gummies; they contain GABA and L-theanine and typically work on me within twenty minutes, so I started chewing on two of them, and after half an hour, I felt about 5% calmer, not much but enough to give me hope.

Now that I could think a bit clearer, I tried acupressure on my wrists, which helped another 5%, and by now, my gurning was calming down.

I then remembered I had some Promethezine in my medicine drawer. This is an anti-allergen. It is also used sometimes in hospitals before an operation to calm a person down. I had no idea why I had not thought of it earlier in the day, so I took one of these, and within an hour, I felt I could cope and wouldn’t need to go to the emergency room.

By now, it was evening time, and I took my Melatonin and went to bed and slept for twelve hours.

What Now?

The fact that the things that worked on me were the calming medicine leads me to believe I had a lot of cortisol in my body and was severely stressed. I might be living in hope here, but I have become more like myself again as today has progressed.

I needed to write this and get it out of my head and also to let you know what I did in case any part of it may help you if you are having problems with bipolar. Even if it just helps you with knowing you are not alone.

I’m angry at bipolar, and I think I will be for a few weeks; it has made me realise I have another limit on what I can do. Again. I dislike being limited, but I must understand that I will need to adjust how much stress I can tolerate, self-imposed or not. I thought I was doing ok, but apparently, I was not.

I also need to make a concerted effort to get my sleep under control, but I won’t be starting tonight; I’ll think about that tomorrow.

If you have a personal story about bipolar disorder, why not head to the submissions page and send it in to be published on Mentriz.


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Lou Farrell

Hi and welcome to Mentriz, where all manner of mental health issues are discussed, from anxiety to bipolar disorder. You can find what you are looking for by using the search function at the top of the screen. All articles are for information purposes and do not replace the advice of a doctor. I hope you find the website helpful and if you have a suggestion, please contact me.

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